24 May 2014
Today, I am so happy. Too happy really is. I have many spare times, so that I decide to clean up my room. Fortunately, when I am re-settling my belongings, I find so many diaries. Those are mine. I have kept writing my journal while I was a senior high school student.
I am curious to see what I had written when I was a teenager or a university student. I started looking at it one by one. What a shock is all of my writing is about questioning myself. I mostly questioned on why I did something, why I look like this, why I was surrounded by people this way, why I always sad, why I hate myself, and so many others which reflected my anger to my own self.
A paragraph that hit me the most is;
“Bahaya terbesarku adalah aku tidak pernah punya keinginan untuk berbagi. Aku paling susah berbagi; apa itu ilmu, uang, barang, dan jasa. Aku terlalu enggan membantu orang. karenanya, kutetapkan; untuk ujian, aku tetap enggak mau bilang-bilang, tapi untuk kehidupan sehari-hari, aku mau belajar.”
(My biggest danger is I never have any desire to share with others. I felt so hard when I want to share with others, whether to share knowledge, money, things, or even my own energy and times. I have no interest in helping others. Therefore, I decide to; for my exam, I will never share my answer with my friends. But, for daily life, I will learn how to share.)
Indeed, I can not imagine that I was a person who wrote this paragraph. My imagination is more stagnant when I remembered about the ‘July turning point’ of the same year. It is because I was the same person who spent all of my scholarship to fund Tanyoe Communal Learning Centre (TCLC) or TPMT establishment process.
I stop looking at the diaries. I open up my mind, flashback to what I have gone through. As the youngest one in the family, it was normal to feel that way, to own so big ego. Since, everything I need, whatever I want, I always have it without providing many efforts. As the one who being loved the most in the family also created me to that kind of person at that time. However, my hope for the change, to rectify my behavior was so unbelievably prodigious huge.
Undeniably, tears of joy in my cheek are the answers; I have changed! I have change myself from someone who really couldn’t able to share with others, could never be able to participate in social activities gracefully, and who always brought my ego to wherever and whatever circumstance was around me, into a person who loves sharing. I have transformed into a woman who always been delirious with joy whenever I able to help others. I have become the one who feel sharing as the source of my happiness. It sounds as though I was aggrandizing myself. however, that is what happens to me.
My curiosity is getting bigger as I keep reading the book. What I wrote there directly answer the question. My changing process is not an instantone. It took so many times. I remember it was about six years, starting from my first class at junior high school, until my fifth semester as university student. During those six dark years, I always kept writing my story. I wrote everything happens to me, with my analysis about it on the bottom of the page. The analysis are mostly about; why it was happening, what mistakes I have done so it could be happening, and what bad manner I carried that had driven me to that. I always wrote that kind of pattern, almost every day during those years. I remember I also tried to never re-do the mistakes, as well as to reduce my bad manners little by little, day per day.
It was a tough moment for me. I could feel how frustrated I really was at that time. The way I wrote in my journal perfectly reflects them. Somehow, the way I pushed my pen on the books, when I felt so down, also shown me how much struggle I have gone trough. Even the round-stain on the papers could elaborate how many tears I have waste there.
Therefore, I am so adorably happy today when I notice that I have won the battle with myself. The battle that never defeated anyone, cause the both side who were in war are the same ME. I am very grateful when I realize that I had befriended with myself so closely. Indeed, I am so thankful to Allah that He led me to save this struggling history, so that I could notice how much learning I have and how lucky I really am.
Therefore, to my younger sisters or brothers, I suggest you that to keep you own journal, as many as you could, as detail as you would like. So, later when you had grown up, you re-read it, you could see what had gone through your life. Your memory will stay forever with you, so do your learning journey. Happy weekend and have a try!